i'm on the pursuit of happiness

2012-01-26T23:48:00.001+08:00

Time out please

2012-01-20T22:44:00.001+08:00

AKU SEORANG JE KE DALAM BENDA NI HUH. AKU PUN BOLEH KATA AKU MALAS NAK BUAT LA EH. PLEASE LA. KAU DAH DIPILIH, BUAT LAH KERJA YANG KAU PATUT BUAT.

Piano+Guitar

2012-01-15T21:13:00.001+08:00

Off i go. Where i fall is where i land. Loose end tangle down. And then take flight. But never tie us down. Off i go. Where i fall is where i land.

2012-01-14T20:15:00.001+08:00

Who am i right?
Unimportant. Useless. Stupid.

To you. The both of you.

2012-01-07T01:04:00.001+08:00

I believe you can still love someone, but not like them. You love them for the person they were when they were with you, and for how they made you feel at one point. You still love them, and you might always. But you can still not like them, their personality might have changed. They might have gone the wrong way, they might have lost themselves. Or, they might have just given up on you. Or everything they believed in before. It can happen.

Siti(s)

2011-12-29T00:26:00.001+08:00

Thank you for being the best sisters anyone could ever have.

2011-12-22T18:48:00.001+08:00

Now hush little baby don't you cry everything's gonna be alright. Stiffen that upper lip up little soldier. Daddy's here to hold you through the night. I know mummy's not here right now and we don't know why. We fear how we feel inside.

I guess things don't always make sense.

Whenever things go wrong,

2011-12-22T18:28:00.001+08:00

Oh so now it's my fault huh. Oh come on. You're supposed to do it anyway right. Why do i have to remind you. Urgh. Been patient for too long. I need to be angry. I need to be angry. I need to burst and not be patient all the time. I can't. I'm not like this. I know i'm not.

Thank you.

2011-12-19T23:27:00.001+08:00

Happy birthday bby. You're legal. I need to smoke. :'(

2011-12-15T00:20:00.001+08:00

I don't know what this feeling is. I truly don't.

Secrecy

2011-12-13T22:21:00.001+08:00

When you feel like telling the whole world something, but you can't cause it's not something that you'd want the world to know. Something that can ruin you if the world knew. :/

2011-12-13T00:03:00.001+08:00

So birthday is nearing. Though i suddenly don'tfeel excited at all. :(

Sunshine

2011-12-11T23:06:00.001+08:00

You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
You make me happy
When skies are grey
You'll never know that
How much I love you

So don't ever take my sunshine away

dancing

2011-12-10T00:28:00.000+08:00

I'm afraid I might be falling for you.

I don't want to. You're one of my good friends. I don't want to ruin anything. But I can't help it. So please give me a sign of some sort. About anything.

2011-12-07T23:24:00.002+08:00

Now and forever, I'll be there for you.

Maybe. Just maybe.

2011-12-07T01:29:00.000+08:00

Feeling nonchalant about Tax paper later. Hopefully it'll be fine.

"Either way, you're up for a passionate encounter with someone special."

2011-12-03T20:02:00.000+08:00

i hope i don't end up marrying someone who will ever lay a hand on me.

because what he did to me, wasn't right.
i freaked out.

2011-12-01T23:33:00.000+08:00

18 more days.

Let's hope something good will happen this year.

Let's hope that you won't spend it alone.

Let's hope that, like last year, this birthday will be an unforgettable one.

Let's hope that you understand what it means to be of legal age.

falling

2011-11-30T22:37:00.000+08:00

why am i waiting for something that won't happen?
why am i always waiting for things that won't happen?
i should stop thinking. maybe cause it's been a long time.
too long. and now i feel terrible.

i always end up feeling terrible.

2011-11-27T23:00:00.001+08:00

Don't think about it.

2011-11-27T20:30:00.000+08:00

Hurt myself again today.
Worse part is, there's no one else to blame.

Bergilirlah kamu semua

2011-11-27T00:14:00.000+08:00

Afraid of the distance.

Though new connections might spark with others.

Haish.

2011-11-26T00:31:00.002+08:00

Keep on waiting Li.
5 years. 10 years.
No matter how long it takes, one day it'll be your turn.

Cheer up. :)

InsyaAllah

2011-11-07T17:46:00.000+08:00

Andainya kau rasa tak berupaya
Hidup sendirian, tiada pembela
Segalanya suram, bagai malam yang kelam
Tiada bantuan tiada tujuan
Janganlah berputus asa
Kerana Allah bersamamu

Always remember, you have a choice.

2011-10-30T18:12:00.000+08:00

Maybe I do deserve all this right now.

i find it hard to believe.

2011-10-30T00:08:00.000+08:00

Something happened for the very first time with you.
But now all that's left are scars.

Another dream

2011-10-29T15:32:00.000+08:00

Hi you,

We were walking from school. You made me feel safe. Made me feel like I could stay with you forever. Trust you with my life. You made me feel happy. We walked from school and passed by this workshop full of trucks. You wanted to get on one of the trucks, and you did. I let you, cause I was talking to my friend. She was with us. She lived in the same block. And I wanted to go, but you didn't want to get down from there. You were like a kid. My kid. I got frustrated, and walked away. Then you quickly got down and went after me. Then we got in the same lift, and I decided I didn't want to go home just yet. My friend got off the lift. We went up to my level, but we turned to the left and not towards my house. I saw my parents outside my house working on something. And we just sat at the stairs, talking. We talked about everything. School. Dikir. Friends. Us.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Wau Bulan

2011-09-28T23:19:00.000+08:00

Alah eh wau, eh wau bulan.
Eh wau bulan, teraju tiga.

Lagu kemenangan. Lagu terindah.

2011-09-26T22:40:00.000+08:00

sudden low self esteem is making me feel like they don't like me. like i'm nothing. like i'm not good enough.

i'm always a shadow. who am i compared to the others right?

:'(

2011-09-26T17:52:00.000+08:00

tired of falling. tired of thinking. i'm just gonna let it fade slowly.
and hope that maybe it'll disappear.

;)

2011-09-20T21:04:00.000+08:00

once again, we have to remind ourselves.

sometimes things don't always go the way we want them to be.

2011-09-19T22:26:00.000+08:00

Find someone who will take care of you til the end of time.

Beribu Sesalan

2011-09-19T15:50:00.000+08:00

Kekasihku di jalanan yang berliku
Di saat ku perlukanmu
Tertutup jua segalanya terhadapmu
Di sini ku tersedu-sedu

Setelah cinta pergi
Ku mengusung duka ini diiringi

Kisah janji
Dimungkiri
Dimungkiri

Sia-siaku
Mencintaimu
Setia padamu
Percayakanmu

Sebak dadaku
Retak hatiku
Lika jiwaku
Dihiris pilu

2011-09-19T15:35:00.000+08:00

It's not possible.

di saat ku perlukanmu

2011-09-14T22:42:00.003+08:00

Kisah janji
Dimungkiri

Sia-sia ku
Mencintaimu
Setia padamu
Percayakanmu

Sebak dadaku
Retak hatiku
Luka jiwaku
Dihiris pilu

Beribu sesalanku

my life

2011-09-07T11:54:00.000+08:00

Siti Nurliyana Bte Ahmad

Administrative Officer/Treasurer

Keseri Puthera

SP Malay Language Society

wow.

My very own,

2011-09-04T11:50:00.001+08:00

You'd never think that we'd be this close to each other.

My brothers and sisters <3

Aidil, Aspa, Alif, Syafiq, Fathul, Hakim, Alfian, Sufyan

Fafa, Odah, Nad

Friends are the family we choose to be with.

2011-09-02T00:27:00.000+08:00

wau bulan teraju tiga
bina akhlak jati diri diperkukuhkan
jadi ukuran membina rakyat sejahtera
alah eh wau wau bulan teraju tiga

patah lidah alamat kalah, patah keris alamat mati.

2011-08-28T00:30:00.002+08:00

loneliness

empat lapisan

2011-08-21T22:37:00.000+08:00

freaking out about a lot of things.

Exams. Arrivals. Shows.
ok that's basically it.

GAAAAAAAH.
i miss using livejournal.

mimpi elektrik

2011-08-20T23:00:00.001+08:00

Jealousy is a secondary emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, particularly in reference to a human connection. Jealousy often consists of a combination of presenting emotions such as anger, sadness, resentment and disgust.

Envy is best defined as an emotion that "occurs when a person lacks another's (perceived) superior quality, achievement, or possession and either desires it or wishes that the other lacked it."

Jealousy? Or envy?
Or is it both?

2011-08-13T23:01:00.001+08:00

always the second choice.

sometimes things don't always go according to how you want them to

2011-08-09T01:09:00.000+08:00

Cahaya, cover by Aidil Akmal

Too beautiful.

2011-08-07T11:59:00.000+08:00

so he finally said sorry for everything. and i feel better.

another thing is that i'm still shocked aidil picked me. forgetting that now. it has been a very long and hard first week of ramadhan. :( so many obstacles. :( but i hope i'll make it through. with my 7 senjata. haha.

insyaallah everything will be better. :)

2011-07-03T11:54:00.000+08:00

stop saying no one would want you. because i do!
i want you. but i can't have you.

everytime i see you, i feel happy and relieved. it's like you're the friend i always wanted. the one i can count on to keep my secrets and still feel like it isn't awkward. and i know you won't ask for anything. it's like you're a real friend. you don't make me feel like i''m trash. like i'm human. you don't use me. not like the others. and i thank you for it.

2011-06-24T22:42:00.000+08:00

what am i supposed to say? that i feel inferior whenever i'm around you. you make me feel stupid when i talk to you. whenever i'm around you. truth is, i hate how we don't talk too. but you started with the cold shoulder because you assumed, and i can't help feeling angry because that's how i really feel now. i'm tired of going around walking on eggshells around you just because you take some things too personally. i know we said we'll be straight forward with each other. but we all know we say we won't take it to heart, but we all do. and we'll end up awkward as ever. and it seems like you make friends along the way and let go of the old ones. but i don't. i make new friends, but keep my old ones cause they're the best friends i could ever have. i care what they think, and they know they can tell me things without me feeling hurt, because we accept each other the way we are. we don't walk around eggshells around each other. we crush them and still carry on smiling after. and tbh, i know it will never happen with us because i'm tired of smiling and being there for you and then all of a sudden you just change like talk behind my back and shit. sure i do that, but i never go to the extent of assuming, i just hope. i hope that you don't do things the way you always do them. there's a difference between assuming that she'll do something and hoping that she'll do something. i can't help feeling angry and ignoring you and whenever we're in school we alws have something to talk about because you complain. we talk about the same things over and over again. and i don't know if you notice it, but i do. and i really cannot help you understand my situations sometimes cause you've never been through it, you're narrow minded in some ways. and i know everyone's not perfect.

oh shit i don't know what i'm saying anymore.

2011-06-20T22:26:00.002+08:00

still waiting

2011-06-15T17:57:00.002+08:00

how did it ever come to this?

2011-06-13T21:08:00.000+08:00

Made a wrong turn, once or twice,
Dug my way out, blood and fire,
Bad decisions, thats alright,
Welcome to my, silly life.

2011-06-10T23:36:00.000+08:00

you're different. everything about you is different.
but i know the guy i fell for is still in there. somewhere.

that's the guy i want, not the self loathing miserable guy who wants no strings attached sex just because he's tired of all the heartbreak and feelings. if the world is fair, then you'd be happy. but the world's unfair and you won't end up happy. find someone who will care for you deeply. be there for you through every single hardship. someone who will say "i love you" and mean it.

what i'm saying is, i can be that someone. if you'll let me.

2011-06-09T23:24:00.001+08:00

i thought you were something else. something different.

2011-06-01T22:30:00.001+08:00

I AM SO FUCKING ANNOYED, I CAN FUCKING CRY. :'(

So what if i'm like whiny and shitty and useless. omg i hate this.
I HATE THIS FUCKING FEELING. I FUCKING HATE THIS.
I DON'T WANNA FUCKING FEEL LIKE THIS ANYMORE. I CAN'T SAY ANYTHING THAT'S RIGHT ANYMORE. WHATEVER I SAY IS WRONG. ANYTHING I DO IS WRONG. I'M JUST USELESS AND UNWORTHY OF ANYTHING OR ANYONE. I'M SORRY I COULDN'T BE BETTER.

:'(

Adele, Someone Like You

2011-05-15T01:33:00.000+08:00

I heard that you settled down. that you found a girl, and you're married now. I heard that your dreams came true. guess she gave you things i didn't give to you. old friend, why are you so shy? ain't like you to hold back, or hide from life. i hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited but i couldn't stay away i couldn't fight it. i had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over. never mind i'll find someone like you. i wish nothing but the best for you too. don't forget me, i beg. i remember you said "sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead" you'd know how the time flies only yesterday was the time of our lives. we were born and raised in the summer haze bound by this surprise of our glory days. i hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited but i couldn't stay away, i couldn't fight it. i had hoped you'd see my face, and that you'd be reminded that for me, it isn't over. never mind i'll find someone like you. i wish nothing but the best for you too. don't forget me i beg. i remember you said "sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead" sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead. nothing compares. no cares. regrets and mistakes are memories made. who would have known how bittersweet this would taste. never mind i'll find someone like you. i wish nothing but the best for you too. don't forget me i beg. i remember you said "sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead" never mind i'll find someone like you. i wish nothing but the best for you too. don't forget me i beg. i remember you said "sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead"

Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.

2011-05-10T23:46:00.001+08:00

MY LAPTOP, MY PROBLEM IF I WANNA LET YOU USE KAN.

UGH. BITCHFIT MUCH?!?!

2011-04-25T19:53:00.000+08:00

people read my blog! (Y)

i don't like school. kbye.

2011-04-23T21:54:00.000+08:00

You and me together, nothing gets better.

Please let me talk to him.
Please let me meet him.
Please let me hold him close.
Please, just let me.

"i will not go anywhere"
please don't. i'm not going anywhere either.

i want you

2011-04-22T21:50:00.000+08:00

rindu rindu, hatiku rindu.

kepadamu, oh juwitaku.

bilakah lagi sayang, kita bertemu.

gelora sepi kian menghiris kalbu.

2011-04-22T20:25:00.001+08:00

i found someone.

2011-04-13T20:01:00.000+08:00

if you don't want me here, tell me. i can leave. you know it's times like these when i just wanna stay in school and drink and smoke and fuck my life up. cause i'm tired of everything. i just feel so disappointed in myself. it's like i don't seem like i try and i look like idgaf. but i do, and i try. i try very hard. and i feel like shit but i have to smile and be strong cause this isn't the time to fall. this isn't the time to break down. this is the time you work hard. this is the time you pick yourself up and dust yourself off cause the world isn't waiting for you. it's going to pass you by and you just can't do anything.

:'(

best two hours

2011-03-27T11:00:00.002+08:00

He made me smile.
He made me laugh.
He made me happy.

After all this time, I finally felt needed again.
After all this time, I finally felt wanted again.
After all this time, I finally felt loved again.

Thank you. Afiq Jahaya.

2011-03-19T16:32:00.002+08:00

Beloved ♥

Happiness hit her

2011-03-18T15:36:00.000+08:00

18th March 2011

Dear whatever-you-are,

I had a dream. A wonderful dream last night. He was wonderful. He was the one I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. It felt like we've been together for a long time, but we haven't kissed or anything. Merely simple holding of hands and hugs.

We were out together, and he went to the store. I waited, but he was too long. I wanted to wait, but I was already keeping my sister waiting, so I left him a text and took off. I told him where I'd be. I met up with my sister for lunch/dinner. I remember I was going down a huge grand-like stairs. I was rushing down. Then I met my sister. When I was about to enter, I saw him running after me, so I stopped. Then he joined us for lunch/dinner. When we were done, he wanted to leave.

He looked at me with those lovely eyes, and smiled. He turned away, but I pulled him back and I kissed him on the cheek gently. Then I let him go, but he stayed put. He came towards me and kissed me on the cheek. It was wonderful. I felt great. I reached out my hand to stroke his cheek. I was about to touch his cheek when I suddenly woke up.

My hand seemed to have been hugging someone, and my other arm seemed to look like I was about to stroke the cheek of that person I was hugging. I was disappointed, but I just couldn't help but feel wonderful. It was the most wonderful feeling. It felt so real. I just felt like it was real, and it might come true. I text-ed Nab about this and said that dreams that feel real have a chance of being true. Then she said that maybe he was dreaming the same thing too.

I hope so.

Love,

Liz

Ps; The guy in my dream, his face was blur. It seemed like his name was Jayer or something like that.

2011-03-08T23:47:00.002+08:00

as much as we don't talk, he was the one person i told all my secrets to. because i know you'll be able to keep it. that's what i love about you.

i love everything about you.

2011-03-08T22:49:00.001+08:00

it doesn't feel right. not knowing what really happened then. i just need to clear my conscience. :(

2011-03-03T00:57:00.000+08:00

Talked to Fafa about Syed just now. Well, it's the little things that make me miss him.

Okay. I just miss him. Everything. I don't know what happened to us. We were the best thing that happened to each other. I know we were. Now we're nothing.

2011-02-26T16:45:00.000+08:00

Something always brings me back to you.

I haven't actually ended exams yet, but nevertheless, I'm still here. I miss blogging and typing out things. Now all I do is just ignore them. I feel very numb to all the emotions. I smile, but I don't feel happy. I cry, but I don't feel sad. I scream, but I don't feel angry. I don't know what's wrong. :/

2011-02-24T22:32:00.001+08:00

Hope all goes well for Syaf. Prayers.
Amin.

tanpa harapan

2011-02-23T23:04:00.000+08:00

Hilangnya cintamu

Menusuk hatiku

Hingga ku memilih

Cinta yang fana

2011-02-23T03:24:00.002+08:00

it's like i only talk to you at night, and i wish we could talk more often. :3

Overdose

2011-02-22T16:06:00.000+08:00

We all want something wonderful in our lives. We all want what we don't have, but we never appreciate what we already have. We don't realize how fortunate we all already are. Just having to wake up every morning in clean clothes, a comfy bed, under a roof. All the simple things in life, we brush off and keep complaining about what we don't have. We're all guilty of that. Yes, I know I am too. And I agree that I don't say "Thank you Allah" every morning, but every time I remember how lucky and fortunate I am, I do say "Thank you".

We know we should be the best we can be, but why aren't we actually trying?

Awesome

2011-02-22T14:39:00.001+08:00

I'm about to lose my mind. You've been gone for so long. I'm running out of time.

I need a doctor. Call me a doctor. I need a doctor, doctor.

To bring me back to life.

Reminisce

2011-02-21T22:59:00.000+08:00

i'm beautiful in my way, cause God makes no mistakes.
i'm on the right track, baby i was born this way.

Just when I thought things could die down. Suddenly my PMS mood just went higher. I miss everyone from my past. My primary school mates. The little memories we had when we were so much younger. The carefree lives we led thinking we'd be this cool and young forever. We were golden back then. Living life like there wasn't anything else to do. I miss my secondary school mates too. Those times in Sec1 where we were all noobs about what was where, who was what, and where were the places to be. I remember the first cheering comp. Our totally terrible Maths teacher. During Sec 2 we had weird things going on with the class. And I fell in love with Maths and Science. Sec 3 and 4 was the best two years of my life with the most awesome-st class ever. You guys are the best thing that happened to me in Secondary life. Made going to school fun. Made classes fun. Made it all worthwhile. The cheer comps, the XCountry. Everything. They even made OLevels fun. I miss everything. NCC was awesome. I miss the girls. Those babes which made enduring the best thing ever. The camps and all. Much much misses.

Now poly life is different. You don't know the whole school. Everyone knows everyone somehow though we're not in the same area most of the time. Nevertheless, poly life is wonderful.

I miss my family. My cousins. Everyone. I want to go out. Just us cousins. <3

2011-02-18T20:44:00.000+08:00

sometimes i wonder if i'll ever find someone.

then if i don't, what am i gonna do?

if i do, will i marry that person? will i have a family?

will i be a good mother?

insyaallah.

Chingay

2011-02-13T18:09:00.000+08:00

Chingay 2011 was freakin awesome. I miss the atmosphere already.

i'm a hypocrite. i'm a pretender. i'm a freaking bitch.

2011-01-18T13:56:00.002+08:00

2011-01-11T11:29:00.001+08:00

well okay. i hope we do become friends. :)

toast for the douchebags. toast to the assholes. and every other jerk.

2010-12-22T00:22:00.000+08:00

You were a stranger, but I cared for you. I made you someone you thought you'd never be. You were wonderful. You're still the one I compare my present ones with. Is he as nice as you were? Will you be a little sad if you found out? I told you my secrets. I gave my whole to you. All I asked was for you to wait. You couldn't do that for me. After all I did for you. You just left me there. Saying I never did what you wanted. I came back to you. Every. Single. Time. Yet you blew me off.

You always did.

I was close to thinking that maybe you were it. You were him. The idea of my first boyfriend being the one I would be with for the rest of my life made me even happier. I almost loved you. I almost did.

Now you're a different person. You're wilder. Not the same person. You came back that one time saying I was the one who truly cared, and I believed you. I was stupid to believe you.

Trust me. I still think about you a lot.

2010-12-21T00:32:00.002+08:00

I feel lonely. Really lonely. :(

2010-12-12T23:35:00.000+08:00

"If two people are meant to be together, eventually they'll find their way back."

This phrase has been haunting me my whole life. :(

2010-12-06T21:47:00.001+08:00

this shit, that shit.

2010-12-05T22:46:00.000+08:00

i try. i really try. i don't know how to not think about it. when i'm not occupied with something, my mind wonders whether it's gonna happen soon, or ever. it's a nightmare feeling this way. wondering whether you're everything to someone, or nothing. one might lose hope, like i did.

so please. bless me with strength. cause i need it. terribly. or i'll fall back on my knees with the worse attitude i could ever have. i don't want that. help me.

2010-12-05T00:03:00.001+08:00

hi. i'm sick of waiting for you.

confess

2010-11-04T14:35:00.000+08:00

I'm staying this way. Sure, I may get lonely sometimes, but I think it's worth the heartbreaks and all. I will wait until the right one comes along. And when he comes, I'll know. I'll be happy. For the rest of my life. Yeap. I will.

<3

2010-11-03T22:01:00.000+08:00

Change

i'm tired of all the lies

2010-10-31T11:33:00.000+08:00

one day. i'll speak the truth about everything.

2010-10-27T21:36:00.000+08:00

I should really just forget about it right?

feelingfeeling jap

2010-10-25T21:37:00.000+08:00

and he said
"WHEN I SEE YOUR FACE. THERE'S NOT A THING THAT I WOULD CHANGE. CAUSE YOU'RE AMAZING JUST THE WAY YOU ARE. AND WHEN YOU SMILE. THE WHOLE WORLD STOPS AND STARES FOR AWHILE CAUSE GIRL YOU'RE AMAZING JUST THE WAY YOU ARE."

2010-10-25T20:24:00.001+08:00

hi i'm the coolest girl in the universe

2010-10-21T23:12:00.001+08:00

i'm already gone

tumblr

2010-10-21T23:07:00.002+08:00

I’m the kind of girl who is quiet in large groups or around people I don’t know; you only see the real me if we’re close. I smile and laugh a lot, especially at the most inappropriate times. I’m a hopeless romantic who’s too afraid to fall herself. I trip over air, up stairs, and over people’s feet. I am the hardest person to offend, but it is all too easy to make me feel horrible. I hate telling people about my problems; they don’t need to worry about me. I’m the one who listens to other people’s problems. I believe people should not be judged before one takes the time to get to know them, yet I am guilty of doing that exact thing. I love to think rather than talk. I prefer rainy, cloudy days to sunny ones. I’m awkward, clumsy, shy, strange… but this is me. Take it or leave it.

2010-10-19T23:50:00.001+08:00

we'll fight fire with fire through your desire.

THE TAKERS PLAYED KASABIAN'S UNDERDOG FOR CREDITS. FUCK YEAH.

2010-10-19T00:00:00.000+08:00

"Do you ever wonder if you've met your husband already?"

In my heart I know I haven't met him, but somehow I got this little feeling that you were the right guy, wrong time type thing. Like you're the one, though I really hope not. I don't expect anything from anyone already. I'm tired. Of all this shit.

:(

2010-10-14T23:19:00.002+08:00

See. the thing is, he knows. he knows i miss him. how we always talked. how he came over that one time. he knows he's been neglecting me. but what does he do?

NOTHING.

2010-10-14T12:50:00.002+08:00

FUCKING FUNNAAAAYEEEE (Y)

2010-10-08T16:01:00.001+08:00

aw. i miss free ice cream with min already. and karaoke with the girls.

That's me.

2010-10-08T15:48:00.000+08:00

Convo with Fafa dear.

reality check

2010-10-05T22:51:00.000+08:00

filled the tub with warm water. soaked myself in a bubble bath for awhile. with songs playing, i shut my eyes and let my body flow. i leaned back and let my entire body go under water. it felt fucking great. to be able to be shut out from the world. from the problems. from all the shit and hatred of life. only to be settled by bubble baths, music and warmth. it felt awesome. so awesome i forgot the world. and i almost drowned myself. and i didn't want to pull myself out of the water. i could, but i didn't want to. i just didn't want to. i wanted that calamity and warmth. then i forced myself out. and i cried. let the shower run to hide my tears. the warm water hitting my bare back. and running down my face. i couldn't tell which were the tears. i just cried hugging myself. how could i have done this to myself? a failure. to everyone. to my family. my friends. my own fucking self. i scrubbed myself non stop but i knew it wasn't gonna change anything. but i continued scrubbing and scrubbing. like things could get better if i felt cleaner and one layer of skin less. i shampooed, conditioned, almost pulled out all my hair. and i continued crying. just letting the shower wash away my shame and sadness. wash away my problems. i just wanted to cry. and stay there forever. songs playing. watch my fingers prune up. i just wanted to be your friend. but my stupid feelings had to fucking screw it all up. each time i look at you my heart stops or races or whatever it does. i smile. i watch you make funny faces to those around you and then slowly watch you turn my way to make a stupid funny face at me. i make a funny face back. and i smile and laugh to myself when you look away. in my heart i go "weirdo. i like you." and each time you say "i can't give you anything in return" i scream out in my heart "i don't fucking care! i wanna be your friend. i don't fucking care. i need a friend. a friend." but i always say "i know. i don't expect anything" maybe it was a mistake. maybe i should show you this. then maybe you'll know. right? okay no. oh fuck. i don't know. i don't know anymore. life isn't perfect. i know that.

i'm a fucking prick aren't i?

kita berdua~

2010-10-04T20:57:00.000+08:00

yes mum. i know. you were a better daughter than i could ever be. i break stuff. i make you angry and sad all the time. i piss you off. i don't do house work when i'm usually supposed to. i disappoint you almost all the time. i've never been able to bring a genuine smile to your face. i'm pathetic. i'm a loser. a stupid worthless useless daughter. i've let you down countless times and yet i seem to not care.

thing is mum. i care. i love you more than words. and each time i let you down, i hate myself. i mentally beat myself up for doing it to you. i don't mean to do all the things. all this terrible things. all i've wanted was to make you happy. hear the words "i'm proud of you adik" coming out from your mouth. but no. each time i try, i fail. and i fail terribly. i never put in enough effort. i give up a lot. and i disappoint you.

I'm sorry Ibu, I really am sorry for not being the daughter you thought I could become. I'm a total failure as a daughter.

i got tired of it, so i cut contact.

2010-10-04T18:06:00.002+08:00

I don't know what to do anymore.

lets dance douchebag!

2010-09-28T16:05:00.000+08:00

BAIK! :D